Hollywood Dictionary


to schmooze = befriend scum

to pitch = grovel shamelessly

to brainstorm = feign preparedness

to research = procrastinate indefinitely

to network = spread disinformation

to collaborate = argue incessantly

to freelance = collect unemployment


agent = frustrated lawyer

lawyer = frustrated producer

producer = frustrated writer

writer = frustrated director

director = frustrated actor

actor = frustrated human


high-concept = low brow

production value = gore

entry-level = pays nothing

highly qualified = knows the producer

network approved = had made them money


net = something that apparently doesn’t exist

gross = Michael Eisner’s salary

back-end = you, if you think you’ll ever see it

residuals = braces for the kids

deferral = don’t hold your breath

points = see “net” or “back-end”


You can trust me = You must be new

It needs some polishing = Change everything

It shows promise = It stinks rotten

It needs some fine tuning = Change everything

I’d like some input = I want total control

It needs some honing = Change everything

Call me back next week = Stay out of my life

It needs some tightening = Change everything

Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want

It needs some streamlining = Change everything

You’ll never work in this town again = I have no power


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